So for those that don’t know what might have caused Eric and I to end up separating, I’m going to tell you as much as I feel comfortable here. First, I was not a good person. I know that I didn’t treat him the way he should have for many years and I really am sorry for that. I am not proud of some of my actions and I take full responsibility for them and am sorry for what I put Eric through in the years we were together. The years weren’t all that bad but many were. I felt like a secretary for him, along with the treasurer, the disciplinarian, at times the maid (and I know at times he felt the same way so that was on both of us). Communication was nil with us unless we did it through text or email. He didn’t like to watch or listen to anything I watched and sometimes made fun of it. I belittled him a lot. Things weren’t perfect. Honestly, the fact that we stayed together as long as we did was amazing. He’s a stay at home, play on his computer and watch the Walking Dead type of guy. I’m a sit at home reading my book in front of the TV until I get antsy and then I don’t care where we go, I just need to go out. And I feel bad because I’ve done a lot for him so there is a lot he doesn’t want to/can’t do and I take credit for that and I’m sorry to him for it. He let me do things. I took them over and went with it, whether I did it right or wrong. I know that things in our lives weren’t perfect. Sometimes I tried to fake it and pretend that things were great but you can only do that for so long. I think he did the same thing, we pulled on our big panties and put on the fake smile and went out and showed the world how happy we were. I think we tried to convince ourselves as much as we convinced everyone else. That worked with people outside of our little circle because when we told them that we were separated they were shocked. But was it worth it to continue to fake it for us or the kids? We both love Brittany and Zachary very much but at what point do you have to learn to at least live for yourself. Our kids are not young and though this is tough, for the most part, especially Zachary, they are taking this okay. Brittany keeps a lot in and doesn’t really talk to me like she used to but I guess that’s to be expected. I do miss her though.
Now with that out of the way, what I want for both Eric and I is to be happy. We have learned through lots of trial and error, we are not going to make each other happy. I want to be his friend. I really do. I have a friend from elementary school whose parents were like best of friends after their divorce, I believe even going to each others wedding and even when I was young, I thought that was crazy but I would like to be that close with Eric. Maybe not the wedding part, but to be there for him, as he is there for me (thank you for being there for me during my rant last night). Eric has found Shae and I have found Brian and though I don’t know a lot about his relationship with her, I know he smiles more, he’s on the phone with her giggling and flirting like a school girl and the lack of Facebook posts (sadly) was, I believe, the hardest thing for me to get used to. But he likes her. He has come to trust someone and has strong feelings for her. Again, I won’t pretend to know how strong his feelings are for her, but I know that he really does care for her and I’m happy for them both. I want them to be happy. I want Shae to treat him right as he deserves it. He really is a good person, with lots to offer the right person. I don’t know if Shae is that person for him but if it is, and they want it, I give them my blessing.
Then there is Brian. So there is a lot I want to say on that subject, though I am working on something for him for Valentine’s Day and I don’t want it all to be repeated. I have fallen pretty hard for this man, faster than some might think is right but I can’t change it. My heart has been open for a long time, it was really easy for Brian to sneak right in there without either of us seeing it coming. I’ve found someone that pays attention to me, where I felt Eric didn’t (again something maybe I wasn’t paying attention for myself. He may have and I really am sorry if I didn’t see it). One of my favorite places to be is in Marshfield sitting on the couch between his legs, so that I am fully engulfed by him with his arms around my waist and his legs intertwined with mine. He makes me smile. He makes me feel alive. I have come out of my shell in many ways since being with him. I love my time I spend with him and his boys (three of some of the most amazing boys I have met, of course not including my own). You make me happy Brian. You make me smile. I love talking with you. I love learning about your pasts and your quirks and anything else you want to tell me. I love sleeping with you, even your snoring, though I really wish you would schedule that doctors appointment, I will still find you sexy with that thing on your face. You are beautiful and super sexy and I am so lucky to have you in my life so thank you.