So for those that don’t know what might have caused Eric and I to end up separating, I’m going to tell you as much as I feel comfortable here. First, I was not a good person. I know that I didn’t treat him the way he should have for many years and I really am sorry for that. I am not proud of some of my actions and I take full responsibility for them and am sorry for what I put Eric through in the years we were together. The years weren’t all that bad but many were. I felt like a secretary for him, along with the treasurer, the disciplinarian, at times the maid (and I know at times he felt the same way so that was on both of us). Communication was nil with us unless we did it through text or email. He didn’t like to watch or listen to anything I watched and sometimes made fun of it. I belittled him a lot. Things weren’t perfect. Honestly, the fact that we stayed together as long as we did was amazing. He’s a stay at home, play on his computer and watch the Walking Dead type of guy. I’m a sit at home reading my book in front of the TV until I get antsy and then I don’t care where we go, I just need to go out. And I feel bad because I’ve done a lot for him so there is a lot he doesn’t want to/can’t do and I take credit for that and I’m sorry to him for it. He let me do things. I took them over and went with it, whether I did it right or wrong. I know that things in our lives weren’t perfect. Sometimes I tried to fake it and pretend that things were great but you can only do that for so long. I think he did the same thing, we pulled on our big panties and put on the fake smile and went out and showed the world how happy we were. I think we tried to convince ourselves as much as we convinced everyone else. That worked with people outside of our little circle because when we told them that we were separated they were shocked. But was it worth it to continue to fake it for us or the kids? We both love Brittany and Zachary very much but at what point do you have to learn to at least live for yourself. Our kids are not young and though this is tough, for the most part, especially Zachary, they are taking this okay. Brittany keeps a lot in and doesn’t really talk to me like she used to but I guess that’s to be expected. I do miss her though.

Now with that out of the way, what I want for both Eric and I is to be happy. We have learned through lots of trial and error, we are not going to make each other happy. I want to be his friend. I really do. I have a friend from elementary school whose parents were like best of friends after their divorce, I believe even going to each others wedding and even when I was young, I thought that was crazy but I would like to be that close with Eric. Maybe not the wedding part, but to be there for him, as he is there for me (thank you for being there for me during my rant last night). Eric has found Shae and I have found Brian and though I don’t know a lot about his relationship with her, I know he smiles more, he’s on the phone with her giggling and flirting like a school girl and the lack of Facebook posts (sadly) was, I believe, the hardest thing for me to get used to. But he likes her. He has come to trust someone and has strong feelings for her. Again, I won’t pretend to know how strong his feelings are for her, but I know that he really does care for her and I’m happy for them both. I want them to be happy. I want Shae to treat him right as he deserves it. He really is a good person, with lots to offer the right person. I don’t know if Shae is that person for him but if it is, and they want it, I give them my blessing.

Then there is Brian. So there is a lot I want to say on that subject, though I am working on something for him for Valentine’s Day and I don’t want it all to be repeated. I have fallen pretty hard for this man, faster than some might think is right but I can’t change it. My heart has been open for a long time, it was really easy for Brian to sneak right in there without either of us seeing it coming. I’ve found someone that pays attention to me, where I felt Eric didn’t (again something maybe I wasn’t paying attention for myself. He may have and I really am sorry if I didn’t see it). One of my favorite places to be is in Marshfield sitting on the couch between his legs, so that I am fully engulfed by him with his arms around my waist and his legs intertwined with mine. He makes me smile. He makes me feel alive. I have come out of my shell in many ways since being with him. I love my time I spend with him and his boys (three of some of the most amazing boys I have met, of course not including my own). You make me happy Brian. You make me smile. I love talking with you. I love learning about your pasts and your quirks and anything else you want to tell me. I love sleeping with you, even your snoring, though I really wish you would schedule that doctors appointment, I will still find you sexy with that thing on your face. You are beautiful and super sexy and I am so lucky to have you in my life so thank you.

So it’s true about what they say about getting your first tattoo, you become quite addicted and though I don’t even have plans for when to get the next one or where to put it, I know a couple I wouldn’t mind getting. I will save that though for another day.

I did finally go this past Saturday with Eliza to get my first tattoo. I wouldn’t have been able to get it without her as she gave me a gift certificate that paid for half of it (I love that girl). The appointment was scheduled for 5:30 and though I had a bit of a sore throat and cough, I was going either way, as Ashlee from work was going to make fun of me if I didn’t it. I was excited and nervous to finally do it. It meant something to me, not only are elephants my favorite animals, but the butterflies represented two of my favorite people in this world, Brittany and Zachary. Plus, I earned this tattoo! 70lbs in less than a year is not something to sweep under the rug and I had said that when I did it, I wanted the tattoo. I wish there weren’t so many stretch marks on my body but someone told me that they were tiger stripes and I earned those, so that’s what I will go with

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So I might be closer to having to make a decision about moving to Pennsylvania, if that option is still available anyway. Christina has gotten a job and has given her two weeks and they are replacing her with someone down in Pennsylvania. Peggy has a second interview with a company where a friend of her works, so that pretty much seals the fate for Jean, Phil and I. I don’t begrudge Christina or Peggy anything, good for them for finding something, but I am not sure what I’m going to do myself. I haven’t really started looking. I don’t have a resume because I didn’t want to leave. As stressful as my job has been recently, I love my customers and didn’t want to leave any of them. Next week at the Foxwoods show hopefully will answer a couple of questions for me. Very soon I might get a much needed, but not afforded vacation. Here’s hoping that the severance is still what was promised back when they closed the Leola office. Will need that.

As if my fear of the dentist wasn’t bad enough, what a cluster its been getting to the point of having this root canal. First, I got the original call from the dentist that the insurance wasn’t active because the information they gave us for the “generic” cards that we have yet to receive was wrong. After that got fixed, today I’m spending my time trying to get the Benny Card, or FSA card, that I am having money taken out of my check every pay day for the $2500 that I deposited on it, but that card isn’t in. My appointment tomorrow is going to cost me $1500 out of pocket that I don’t have if I can’t have the dentist be able to call and get the funds okayed tomorrow. This is crazy! I really am deathly afraid of the dentist and this isn’t helping the cause.

So before posting my 2011 resolutions, I’m going to borrow from Morning Memo that we get at work everyday…

About those New Year’s Resolutions…
Most people make New Year’s resolutions, even if halfheartedly. There’s just something about the beginning of a new year – it’s a perfect time to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. But many people lose their motivation to keep resolutions. If that’s you, here are a few tips to help keep you on track:

1. Be realistic – Give careful thought to your resolutions and why you want to change. Are your goals within reach? How badly do you want to change? Change occurs fastest when you truly desire the change.
2. Write down the pros and cons of each goal and come up with a plan to achieve it. Plan ahead so you know how you will handle obstacles to your success.
3. Talk about your resolutions with friends and family – talking about it makes it “real.” Garnering support from loved ones will help you stay on track as well. Better yet, find a friend who shares your New Year’s resolution and motivate each other.
4. Set milestones and when you reach them, reward yourself! (But not with something that conflicts with your resolution!).
5. If you slip up, don’t beat yourself up. Track your progress so if you do have an occasional slip, you can look back over your progress and put it all in perspective.
6. Remember: research shows that it takes at least 21 days for a behavior to become a habit. So stick to it!

So with that in mind, here are my 2011 New Years Resolutions…

1. Obviously the lose weight thing. I am super excited that on the very 1st day of 2011 that I was able to fit in a 14! Last year on the same day, I was fluctuating between an 18W or 20W. That’s a plus size! And though they make the W in the 14′s, there is no W on the jeans I am wearing today. That feels good and I would like to make that feel better! This all starts tomorrow, as date night is tonight and I am giving myself one last day/night.
2. I want to get my bills back on track. I may have said this same thing last year and I did get some fixed, but I need to fix more. That’s one of my plans.
3. I would like to get my house more organized, enough said.
4. I want to find time to be crafty again. Eric got me a Learn to Crochet kit, which I hope to learn how to do by the end of January. I also want to scrapbook and maybe learn to quilt. Have to start that one soon, as the first one I am making is for Lucas and his birthday is this month.

If that thing above is correct, then I have until the 25th of January to get this stuff going and make it a habit. Wish me luck as here goes…

1.  On my way home everyday, there is a handmade sign, like a sheet, with the words “Welcome Home Ryan” and it makes me smile.

2.  I can’t believe how old my kids are getting.  Brittany is going to be a freshman in high school in September and Zachary is going to be in 6th grade.  When the heck did that happen?

3.  I don’t feel like I’m doing anything with my weight loss.  I want it all to happen so much faster than it’s happening and I just don’t understand why it can’t just go faster!

4.  I am a Godmother and I love that feeling!  Lauren is the cutest little thing in the world and I am so proud to call her my niece and my Goddaughter!

5.  There are days I love my job!  Then there are days I don’t.  It stinks because its mainly just people I work with that makes the days I hate it not so great.

6.  I hate being broke!  Things have  been pretty tough for us recently and it really kind of sucks actually.  I would like that winning lottery ticket, though I guess in order to get that, I would need to start buying them.

7.  My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I don’t know what I would do without him!

8.  I haven’t been reading as much as I have in the past and it kind of sucks.  I need to start doing that more.

9.  I thought this was going to be harder than it was, but I guess I had a lot on my mind.

10.  I’m worried about Gram and I hope that she feels better soon.  I hate seeing her this way, though I’m glad I got to see her on Sunday and see the old her, even if she wanted to kick me for asking her to eat her mashed potatoes.